Adjusting for time zone differences, I was born, almost to the exact hour, on the 500'th anniversary of the fall of Constantinople to the Turks. This coincidence is a triviality of such small historical import that even my mother, who took her master's degree in history, never mentioned it. To memorialize that long-ago military victory in our family's own special way, I was unwittingly duped into accompanying the wifely person and junior son to a 500+ person surprise party. They enticed me there by claiming it was the local high school's annual athletic awards banquet. On the way to the venue, I bluntly told the wifely person that this event had better not be a front for some sort of surprise party because, at my newly advanced age, I just couldn't take those sorts of surprises any more. She just smiled and said, "Oh, Honey... I know how you hate that sort of thing. I would never do that to you." This woman can't lie to save her life. But I have to tell you, I was almost sucked in. Upon being seated, we were all treated to rubber chicken followed by a nearly endless array of coaches, each describing in exquisite detail the determination, work ethic, forthrightness and true grit of this year's crop of student athletes. The junior son's name was even mentioned a couple of times. Just as the event was apparently winding down, Matt, the school athletic director (who I've known fairly well for most of the junior son's high school tenure, and who is a fairly accomplished jokester in his own right), stepped to the podium. The entire room grew silent as he scanned the crowd. Finally, his gaze swept in my direction... and stopped. Without saying a word, he held my gaze while he reached into a shirt pocket and took out a folded sheet of paper. "Oh, Hell!" I thought. "The wifely person's put him up to this. Now he's going to announce it's my birthday and then 500 people are going to sing that stupid `Happy Birthday' song and I'm going to have to sit here and act like I enjoy it." He adjusted the microphone. In near panic, I began to wonder if it wasn't too late to dive under the table before the spotlight swung in my direction. Finally, he spoke. "Hey, everybody!" he said with a big grin while staring right at me, "Thanks for coming!" Boy! Was I ever surprised! On that cake-coffee-and-presents-at-home-later-with-Walter-Mitty moment, Ziggy's Joke o' the day is from Wendy: A man's perfect breakfast: He's lying in bed. He just got laid. She just left. He is on the cover of the Wheaties box. He's single, and his girlfriend is on the cover of Playboy! A woman's perfect breakfast: She's sitting at the table. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl, and her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Ziggy's Tip o' the day: Next time you think that getting older is bad, consider the alternative.