A Quick Word or Two

Just a quick note now that the sun has set, I have eaten, and I'm already feeling guilty in the new year. 

It was actually really crowded today

Yom Kippur is not a happy kinda holiday. It's a 26-27 hour fast...and I do mean a no-nuthin' kinda fast...and it's a whole lotta time in synagogue. The last few years, for a whole lotta reasons, have been hard on me. It was more than the glances toward the back of the social hall looking to see if Ziggy and his buds had slipped in the back door. It was more than sitting by myself because the Senior Son is all the way in Milwaukee and Family Junior Son is across town in their shul. 

When our first and long-time rabbi retired, no one could've predicted the strife that would follow and the toll the pandemic would take on our little shul. Our transition has been uneasy on the good days, downright awful on the not so good ones, all of them moving us away from the carefully crafted principles we established at the start of the experiment in Jewish egalitarianism. I'm not kidding when I say we because Ziggy and I were there at the start, actively committed to this burgeoning community. 

But now, I suspect the stress is all in the rearview mirror with the distance between then and now growing quickly. Rosh Ha'Shanah services were welcoming like in the early days. People were laughing in the hallway, greeting friends and even strangers with warmth and welcoming smiles. Kids escaped onto the bimah a few times, only to be scooped up with guffaws, not groans. It was nice. I found it comforting to daven sitting in the pew my family has occupied since day one. And it was really nice when the Junior son joined me for Ne'ila, the last service as the Gates of Heaven are closing. We would break our fasts with the rest of the family at my cousins' house, a long standing tradition. 

So why am I feeling guilty already?

Easy. It's Monday night and I did not have a blog entry ready to go. I was nervous about Yom Kippur this year. Seriously. I know that sounds weird for someone who has been doing this her entire life, but this year felt different. Lots of it had to do with the recent changes at shul, as well as the really nice Rosh Ha'Shanah. Was I expecting too much? Was I imagining the change because I wanted it so badly?  Was I setting myself up for another disappointment? Whatever my brain was fixated on, it was making me nervous and I was very much aware of it. I couldn't settle into a topic for this week because I was totally focused on Yom Kippur...and not in the way we're supposed to be focused. 

But it was all for naught. Services were terrific. I made it all the way through the "morning" services from 10:00 until 2:20 with only one stroll for a breath of fresh air. I was back for mincha, the afternoon service, and even stood for all of Ne'ila...not an easy feat when you've been fasting for 24 hours. I wanted to be there. It was the first time I actually wanted to be there since Ziggy died. And it felt really good. And I have no real reason to feel guilty because I will hit the publish button before midnight. 

G'mar chatima tova! May you all be sealed in the Book of Life for a good year. 

PS: lots of people at minyan this morning! Life is good! 

The Wifely Person's Tip o'the Week

Only my agnostic/atheist FIL could manage to

pass away on Yom Kippur morning.

We can never forget his yahrzeit.

This is year 9.

Pop, we all miss you muchly.