What We Lost In The Apocalypse

Another year, another episode, and I'm sitting here wondering about what to write. I am so tired of the moaning, groaning, carping, kvetching, and whining, not to mention anger, frustration, and desperation. I really want to end 2020 on a positive note, with a beam of light into the future, and a hope that springs eternal. And with any luck whatsoever, the apocalypse is almost over. 

This has, indubitably, been an adventure year for me. I knew a year ago I was going to retire sometime in 2020. I was not sure when, exactly, but it would most likely have been around the time of the Jewish High Holy Days in the fall.  I was due a sabbatical at work, and planned to take that in August, and then wind down and out of the office. Didn't quite work out that way, but I pulled the ripcord on March 20th,  for a number of reasons, not the least of which was the suspicion that the odds of one of my teammates not being furloughed increase dramatically with my departure. She wasn't, and I was greatly relieved by the news. That was a good thing in 2020.

Since most writers are closet hermits anyway, a month of quarantine was delightful. I finished THE POMEGRANATE enough to send it to the editor, and I got back to work on two other projects, happily so. This was another good thing in 2020.

After that, I got to be the nanny for a bunch of weeks. I got to know my grandkids in ways I never thought possible. And they got to know me on a daily basis. Sure, some of it was amazingly hard work, but I am so thankful, grateful, thrilled, and totally enchanted to have done the straight stretch. Now, when I nanny on Fridays, it's hoot and a half! Those hours are so precious to me. That said, do not think for one New York Minute that I am NOT aware of how fortunate I am to have the kiddos nearby, and kids that let me do this! It is worth all the precautions and the isolations and the "gee thanks, but I can't" answers I have had to give since March all for the sake of being with those two nudnicks. This wasn't just good; this was fantastic.

My "sabbatical" trip home to the East Coast in August was, obviously, cancelled. So was any thought about popping over the Herzliya for Sukkot. Or meeting in Barcelona. Whatever. Plans change and we all roll with it. 

I took the clan away to a cabin for a long weekend in October when it snowed, and that was the fall highlight after zoom High Holy Days. It took a lot of planning, isolations, and figuring out how to do this, but it was worth it after almost 8 months of kiddos not seeing Uncle and Aunty Senior Son. It was a good time, and might not have happened under normal circumstances because we would've been together periodically over those months. And we want to do this again next year. 

On December 15th, I got the cancer-clear confirmation and I stopped the pills from hell. Yeah, they are important but they really screw with my innards. I know I am BRCA-negative. I know the odds of it coming back are slim. This was a very good thing.

I got my left retina repaired last week and it was a big nothing. Seriously. The doctor basically spot-welded it with a laser and I was just fine. Cataracts will finally be removed in February and the rest of the eyeball issues should be resolved. All good things. 

[Note: I did, however, notice, I am going to the doctor more, something I totally detest and avoid whenever possible. Considering how much time my parents and FIL spent going to the doctor, I think old people are a fucking gold-mine for the medical industry. We old folks are veritable bucko-generators. No wonder our per capita spending on health care is raging outta control! We're a profit margin.]

But with all those positives, why do I have nervous knots?

I am unsettled. While there are so many things to be thankful for amidst this horrible, terrible, no-good, never ending year, yet there is also plenty to worry about. Millions of people are on the financial precipice while the current government plays roulette with their lives. Millions of people are sick, and thousands are dying, yet a significant portion of the population thinks this is a hoax. That same percentage continues to believe the election was a fraud...and there are still people trying to overturn the results. Conspiracy theories abound. Groups parade in the streets with t-shirts emblazoned with 6MWE....the acronym for Six Million Wasn't Enough.  Google it. You can even buy yourself a t-shirt or hoodie on any number of sites. Hatred remains alive, well, and, in some quarters, thriving.

I am worried. January 20th, 2021 cannot come soon enough, but I deeply fear what will happen that day and in the days after. I worry that our delicate democracy has been irrevocably damaged by the utter insanity in the Oval Office ....and by the millions of people who support him. I worry that mass hysteria will roll over the move toward calm and healing. I worry that so many people are disenfranchised at this point that it won't make a difference. And I worry that the real apocalypse may just be starting. G-d, I hope not. 

A lot of us are simply overwhelmed, and at a loss for what to do. 

There are no ready answers nor easy solutions. No resolution can be made on New Year's Eve to fix what ails us. No words will ever convey the comforting we need as a nation divided, nor the depths of our collective sorrow at the shambles of our nation. From whatever side you are on, the view is desolate.

Derek Montgomery/MPR
A year after the Pagami Creek Fire- Sept 2012

But even in all those dystopian movies, there is always a sprout, a shoot, a thin sprig of green in the foreground. Whether it's after a flood or a fire, the earth comes back...and so can we. One sprig at a time. The process is not fast, it's not always visible, but healing happens a bit at a time. We need to learn to nurture the growth, to accept it won't always be perfect, and it will certainly not be on our personal timetable. We, the People, must be patient enough to stay the course and allow it happen. 

Of course, this does not absolve us from action; we must be proactive, do what we can, and step up to the task. Listen to opposing viewpoints, work hard to find any common ground, and break down the bubble you're in. If we can't all do that, we will never get past this year. 

To do otherwise is admit defeat. I don't know about you, but I'm not gonna do that. 

The Wifely Person's Tip o'the Week

Promise to listen more, judge less, and hug every chance you get....

once we're allowed to hug again.